Self Esteem? Happy to be ME, “Finally!”

What’s a nice Hungarian girl like me doing with Poland Syndrome?

I have personally traveled a very long journey chasing after my SELF ESTEEM starting as a junior high school girl…better known these days as Middle School.  Yep, I’m that old! As I was going through puberty, only my right breast was growing while the left one didn’t.  I always looked like my chest belonged on two different girls. I was diagnosed as having, “Poland Syndrome”.

Gym class was painful and always a nightmare changing clothes.  And then one day, a girl SAW my little “falsie” sticking out of my bra and told her friends I wore falsies.  Ugh ugh ugh– everyone, boys and girls, were pointing and talking about me wearing falsies.  I couldn’t tell them I only wore one so I kept silent and was hurt and sad.

When I was 16, the doctors told me that maybe when I turned 18 “it” would grow and catch up to the other one.  So on my 18th birthday, I looked under my covers hoping that the boobie fairy came that morning and BAM… nothing! grrrrrrr!

Then I was told when I became pregnant “it” would grow for sure and catch up to the other one.  In 1975, I became pregnant and gave birth to my daughter, and Nooooooooooo, “it” did not grow or catch up to the other one.  grrrrr again!

In 1976, at 21, I went for “Reconstruction Surgery” of my left breast and had an implant plopped under my skin and there it was…my TORPEDO as I referred to it. I laugh at the reference now, but not at the memory.  OY “it” was ugly! “It” did not look like my natural normal right breast.  I still looked like I had two different breasts that belonged on two different women. 

After gaining and losing 60 pounds (once, twice then three times which will be another blog from me) my TORPEDO was still “perky” and sticking straight out.  You see, there was no tissue for shape so the implant was just there under the skin. The right breast had lost so much volume from gaining and losing weight that in 1985 at the age of 30, it looked like a hanging empty sock so I went for plastic surgery and that doc (different from the first doc) put an implant, once again, under the skin so now this one just hung there, but was fuller for sure.  Once again, two different breasts on the same person… me! 

I hated them both.  I hated looking at them.  I didn’t want my husband to look at them.  I didn’t want my husband to touch the left one at all.  I would try on 20 different tops before I would feel comfortable to leave the house.  I was a prisoner! I was self-conscience! I was unhappy!

I have to tell you, you would have never known I had implants or that my breasts were two different shapes or sizes since I became a master of camouflage. I would double bra to make them even while “hiding” the rim of the implant on the left side which showed.  I knew that when I was going out, I needed to budget my time and have many options for tops, since I never knew what I would feel comfortable in.

In 2005, at the age of 50, I experienced “burning” as I turned over onto my tummy at a pool on a deck chair on vacation.  UT’ooooh!!!   Long story short, BOTH implants were broken. 

This time, I researched doctors and found the perfect Plastic Surgeon for me.  He is the “expert breast guy” where I live and now my doc.  So, I had them both removed and both put back in but this time he put them under the chest muscle.  NO Barbie Boobs I told him, just the same size plus he “fixed” my nipples so at least the were both straight in front of me. (they kinda looked like Marty Feldmen eyes…yak!!! )

BUT BUT BUT I was still unhappy.  They still looked like they belonged on two different women.  Ugh….. I HATE BOOBS!!!    I still tried on 20 different tops before I went out. I still hated looking at them and I still wouldn’t let my husband look at me or touch the left one.  Although he’d catch a glimpse now and again…..haha

FAST FORWARD to August 2012 at the age of 57 and 36 years of Breast Implants.

I went back to my Plastic Surgeon because NOW I wanted them OUT!  In tears I said, “ I don’t care if I’m flat as a board– anything is better than feeling like this.”   He said he’ll reconstruct the left one, pull some “tissue” around from my back and make me a “boobie” then do a breast reduction on the right side to make them perfect for me. 

OMG omg omg…I’ll be 58 years old in December and I finally have two small “Girls” that belong ON THE SAME WOMAN… ME!

I feel wonderful!  I feel beautiful!  I feel desirable!   I told my husband what a lucky guy he is to have experienced four sets of breasts on the same woman….LOL!  (One implant then Two implants then Two new implants NOW TWO new small au’natural boobies)

I put on one top when I get dressed now…do you know how much time I’m saving?  (big smile)   and and and I walk around the house  (TMI) topless….hahahahha  OK well not all the time, but every now and again since it feels liberating.

Self-esteem is a process for a lot of us women.  Some never achieve it and some it takes longer than others for many reasons.  I am not anit-breast implant at all, I just think us women need to do what we need to do for OURSELVES to make us happy in our own skin.

Always STRIVE to be your BEST YOU in your body, which I’ve always tried to do no matter what I looked like under my tops.

THANK YOU to my wonderful husband Michael of 29 years and to my beautiful daughter Rachel for supporting (ha! no pun intended) me, my decisions all these years.

I no longer HIDE behind shirts, blouses or tops.

My SELF ESTEEM is here to stay!


note to readers… I’m sure not having any control over the growth of a “breast”  guided me into the field of FITNESS.  Working out was where I could change my body and have control over my choice of being overweight or FIT.

there is also an underdevelopment of the main chest muscle (pectoralis) which makes it more difficult to train my chest.  Now that my implants were removed, the underdevelopment of the pectoralis is more evident but not noticed unless I “flex” my chest.  So don’t ask me to do that…  ha!

xoxo Suanne 

I want to thank Tiffany Hendra for asking me to be a Guest Blogger on her ever famous blog Sanctuary of Style where thousands of young girls and women of all ages follow her advice and watch her webisodes.  Visit her and follow her blog, webisodes and on facebook as well.

I am Humbled by her words…

Happy Sunday SOS Sistas!

You know those people who seem to leave that spark of inspiration everywhere they go…without even trying? Well, that describes the sassy and fabulous, Suanne Rieker.  She and I connected on Facebook a few years ago and she has been a dear “sista” from the very beginning of SOS. This woman’s light and energy jumps off the computer screen and let me tell you– I had the privilege of meeting her in person and her glow not only sparks you up, but leaves a lasting impression on your heart.  I want to be like Suanne when I grow up!  I’m grateful she is sharing part of her journey of self-love and acceptance with you ladies. Be inspired…

me and my NEW Girls

7 thoughts on “Self Esteem? Happy to be ME, “Finally!”

  1. Suanne, anyone meeting you for the first time would never realize the little “secret” you held all of these years. Things like this take a toll on a person’s self esteem for sure. We are all so thankful that you can rise above all you have experienced in an effort to touch the lives of all of us who are too ashamed, scared or embarrassed to share our own stories. Thank you for your candid account of your own story so that we may learn that you can go thru hard things but that it doesn’t have to define who you really are or how you live your life. You are an inspiration to all women out there who meet you. I am soooooo fortunate to call you my friend ❤ You inspire me to be a better "me". xo

  2. Thank you Suanne for sharing this ! I happened to read your last two blogs (which I never did before) and you amaze me. I laugh and cry at the same time !!! Self esteem has always been a challenge for me for many reasons and it continues to have its ups and downs. Overall fitness has always been a healthy “outlet” for me for many reasons and difficult situations I dealt with since I was young. You have had some very difficult times to endure and all I can say is that you have come out shining and full of energy. I have only met you in person a few times; however it is amazing the energy/emotion I can feel in your fb posts and blogs and that is rare!!!! Keep smiling and sharing – it is truly helpful and does inspire me !

    • thank YOU soooo much. You are listed just as “someone” on my comments but I’m happy we’ve a few times, thanks for telling me that.

      And I appreciate you mentioning your self esteem ups and downs, ‘m glad you have “Fitness” as your outlet, beats hitting the bar and food scenes.

      thank you again for your heart felt comment, means a lot to me.

      xoxo hugs

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